Chapter 12

Diversity of Paths to Commitment

Megan Goeden

     Chapter 12 goes over communication in a family environment and included in these discussions is the topic of commitment. I'm sure it's no surprise to you that the book presents "four distinct routes to marriage" as it is clear that the authors like to make lists. Each path explained in chapter 12 mainly generalizes relationships and I think we would benefit if we could recognize our own. Let's take a look!

1. The first path is taken at a slow and steady pace. Relationships in this trail usually last a great deal of time before any strong commitment is made and it includes its ups and downs, like any other commitment. 
2. The second path is quite the opposite. The "fast lane", as Grandma Sue would call it,  seems to be that "head-over-heels" kind of relationship that I would refer to as a "blinding love". There is no serious conflict here.
3. The third path, which is probably the path that I can relate to the most. This path includes seeing someone for a decent amount of time with a consistently growing amount of affection and interest. This is followed by a "hesitation and rethinking of the relationship", and soon after there is a full commitment that is very binding. I find myself relating to this because I always seem to be rethinking any commitments I make. I find it important to be with someone, knowing that they are a positive aspect in my life. This sort of rethinking seems to really put a strong meaning to relationships, in my opinion. 
4. The final path is one that my close friends like to travel on. This path is somewhat of an emotional roller coaster. Ups and downs and lots of drama, but there is no real answer of commitment or termination of the relationship. This is annoying. Please don't take this path. Please.    

     I am a firm believer in the third path! I rethink my relationships all the time, whether it be between close friends or commitments with guys I talk to. I think it's healthy to take a step back and really see the relationship for what it is. If I don't do this, I'll either catch myself daydreaming in some notebook adding his last name to my first, or complaining to one of my girlfriends about how he is lacking in certain areas. Evaluating the relationship brings me back to earth a little and ultimately keeps things very simple. 

     

     This section of Chapter 12 gave me a little insight on the existing varieties of commitment styles. I enjoyed taking in the perspective of others and in doing so, I can really understand the reasons for certain behavior in my acquaintances. It seems like they've each shown one of these four patterns all along, but I didn't really recognize the tendencies until I gave thought to the patterns themselves. Understanding these aspects of the individuals around us can help build a strong base of communication. If I can completely understand where your words and actions are coming from, there is no real room for conflict between us. :)

Sources:

Wood, J.T. (2012). Interpersonal communication: Everyday encounters (7^th ed). Boston, MA:

           Wadsworth.

CAB #5 - Encouraging Independence

Encouraging Independence 

Adolescence is typically a time where the child is trying to discover their own identity. In this stage, children show greater disinterest in spending time with their parents and the rest of the family (Wood, p. 312). Obviously, this can lead to some conflict between the parents and the child. How these disagreements are handled may either alleviate stress within the relationship or just make it stronger. 

Whenever I think of this stage, I'm reminded about how different it was for me as compared to when my older brother and sister went through it. Throughout high school, my parents and I never really got into any real conflicts. I didn't have a curfew nor did either parent “check in” on me whenever I was out with friends. Whenever I went out, I always hung out with the same group of guys and we always stayed out of trouble. About the closest thing to conflict that we had was when I broke it to my dad that I wasn't going to take over the family farm. For years that didn't sit too well with him, but he's accepting of it now.

In contrast, my siblings and my parents had their fair share of arguments during this stage. For example, my brother had quite a few girlfriends in high school (which was something my mom really wasn't too happy about). I remember my parents being upset when, shortly after entering college, he broke up with his girlfriend at the time. In their eyes, the relationship was going perfectly, but obviously there were some underlying tensions within the relationship that my parents didn't know about.

Out of us three children, my sister was the one who had the most intense arguments with my parents. They didn't approve of some of her friends, and rather than talking it out with them, she shut them out and rebelled. As a result, she had a 10:30 P.M. curfew and my parents would call her a couple times throughout the night whenever she was out.

The interesting thing is that though all three of us grew up in the same house, our living situations were quite different. My parents split when I was in seventh grade. At this time, my brother was already in college and my sister was in the middle of high school. My sister had to deal with a drastic change in this period, which may have played a part in the tensions between her and my parents.

The funny part is that as of today, my sister has the closest relationship with our parents. After she left the household, she learned that my parents were truly cared about who she hung out rather than her initial thought they were simply trying to make her angry. Looking back on my adolescence, I personally feel that some conflict is vital to the parent-child relationship. I usually talk to my parents on the phone about once every couple weeks. The conversation is almost business-like and we're always done within 15-20 minutes. Compare that to my brother who calls my mom every day to check up on his son and my sister who talks to my dad for over an hour whenever he calls. When my future children reach adolescence, I'll be sure to actively engage with my children to see what they are up to and listen to their side(s) to a particular story. Hopefully in doing so, this will encourage the child to be self-sufficient and make their own decisions, but at the same time create a strong bond between us that lasts well into their adulthood.

References 

Wood, J. T. (2012). Interpersonal communication: Everyday encounters (7th ed.). Boston, MA: Wadsworth

Chapter 12 Goals

 

Families are extremely diverse within many categories whether it is their race, ethnicity, culture, sexual orientation, interests, etc. Another aspect they differ in is their goals, or the reasons that people want to be involved in long-term relationships (Wood 2012, p. 301). These goals have changed over time. In ancient Greek time, marriage was for a purpose of producing offspring whereas now in the US, society has changed their perspective on marriage with it not being focused on raising children as a part of marriage. There is still a good bulk of people whom may get married but choose not to have children today. Women in particular are becoming more independent by getting into the workforce and establishing their own life without relying on a husband.

                

I have witnessed these changed marriage goals among the patients I have had at Madonna Rehabilitation Hospital. For one example, I have had a female patient where the husband explained to me that he had only worked part-time so that he could spend most of his time at home with their two kids and so that there would be a meal ready when his wife got off of her full-time job. To me that seemed like a non-normative thing for the husband to be part stay at home. It seems as though this is taking place more often than I realize.  As Wood describes, men are less dependent on women to take care of children, cook meals, wash dishes and clothes, and otherwise maintain a home (Wood 2012, p. 302). 

                                     

My boyfriend is really for women in the workforce but he hasn’t quite understood that if I am being independent with a full-time job then he also has to pitch in with the housework because it is my belief that that should be equal as well. That of course is not normal to him because he was raised by a mother who worked full-time and did all of the cleaning and cooking at home. 

It is interesting to hear the women’s perspective on getting into the workforce. Many have claimed that they would be too bored being a stay at home mother. I plan to conform with today’s society by working full-time. I suppose it is not the norm that I do not know how to cook, so that is something I certainly need to work on (I’m hopeless!).  Nonetheless, the goals among marriage have certainly changed.  Something to look for in the future would be the goals of marriage among those who identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual, etc. These sexual orientation categories are becoming more familiar within the United States while at the same time more accepting by many. I personally need to work on what my goals for marriage might be. I am in no hurry to get married like several of my friends. I believe that many of my friends see marriage so that they have someone they can be with at all times. With my parents divorced, I have seen the negatives of marriage. I plan to be married to someone whom I love and trust and can have a companion for finances, owning a house, vehicles, etc with children coming down the road.

A good media example that I can think of is Modern Family. On this show there is a gay couple and one of them is a stay at home dad while the other is a full-time lawyer. It is interesting to see their perspectives on goals for marriage while correlating chore duties and raising their daughter. About 50 seconds in, Mitch and Cam discuss the role of being a mother.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mh4eXrQ34U 

Reference:

Wood, J. T. (2010). Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters (7th ed.). Boston, MA: Wadsworth.

 

Retirement

            Retirement has the ability to bring on two different types of emotion. According to Woods, this could be a time for people to do what they want or bring on feelings of boredom and lack of productivity. This will really come down to the individual person. As people I feel like we need a purpose in our lives in order to be happy. Whether that is seeing the world, would working, volunteering, or spending time with that loved one you could not devote time to before.

            Both of my grandparents had different retirements than each other. Well, I guess one never did. He loved to weld and continued his business until he was physically unable to. The other had family over constantly. All holidays were at their home; as soon as one ended my grandma would be planning the next. Time was spent travelling to see family that was unable to come see them. They wanted to meet grandchildren they may not have. Also, I was in an Aging class before this one and I learned in there more people at retirement age are going back to work. Employers are actually seeking these people out, they were/are some of the hardest workers the world has seen. Not really sure how I feel about them having to go back to work to put food on the table or pay bills.

            Through this class and my other I have learned that I need to start preparing for retirement now. Personally I would want to travel and in order to do this I would need money. No longer count on something else to pay for me in the later years, I have to provide my own way.

Reference:

Wood, J. T. (2012). Interpersonal communication: Everyday encounters (7^th ed.). Independence, KY: Wadsworth. 

Cohabitation

Cohabitation by Hana Mustafa

 Cohabitation is a topic that I’ve thought about in some shape or form. Cohabitation is a label that tends to pertain to couples who live together but aren’t married. It can be for heterosexual or gay and lesbian couples. According to Wood couples choose this option rather than traditional marriage for a number of reasons: trial marriage, permanent alternative and legal reasons (Wood, 2013, p. 305).

            The closest situation I’ve had to cohabitation is with my ex Sebastian. When I was pregnant he came up from Texas to be with me during the last few months before the birth of our son. Keeping in mind that I had pregnancy hormones influencing me a bit I was thrilled to have him there for the first few weeks because it had been 4 or 5 months since I’d seen him last. But that honeymoon period didn’t last long. In our relationship he was all about autonomy to the point of making me neurotic waiting for him to come home, which in the past he sometimes wouldn’t at all, and I was looking for connection. Cohabitation brought out the tension of this relational dialectic to the point that it showed us we weren’t right for each other.

I personally think that the practice of cohabitation is a brilliant idea. I honestly think that one of the reasons that so many marriages fail is that some couples don’t realize that living together adds a whole new level of really knowing someone. This is a good theory for testing the strength of a relationship because in my case without it the drama could’ve been dragged out for much longer than it had to. I honestly think that in the future I will do cohabitation before I marry anyone to see if our relationship can withstand the normal tension from relational dialectics.

References

Wood, J. T. (2013). Interpersonal Communication:Everyday Encounters. Boston, MA: Wadsworth.

CAB #5- Baby Steps

            Although Wood outlines several diverse forms and goals of families in Western culture in her chapter about communication in families, she only chose to describe the family life cycle of a ‘typical’ American family, whose goal is to produce and raise children. I have my issues with this move just like Sara has, but I can appreciate that Wood didn’t have an unlimited amount of space; she couldn’t possibly have detailed a life cycle for every type of family out there. That being said, she describes the ‘launching children’ phase of the family life cycle as “a time of vital change for most families… for parents, this can be an abrupt change. For the children… this is a time of increased independence and self-discovery” (Wood, 2012, p. 313). Wood discusses the stresses this can place on parents, who may not know how to relate to each other without children to work around, as well as on children, who may find financial and personal freedom difficult to adjust to.

            My mom and I experienced the launching children phase of the family life cycle much earlier than either of us expected to. Shortly after my junior year of high school, my mom had to move to Kansas for a job that could support us both financially after the company she worked for was shut down. I didn’t want to transfer schools my senior year, so we worked out a deal with my neighbors and I lived with them for my senior year. My mom, who’s been a single parent since my sophomore year of high school, was suddenly faced with the prospect of finding a house that would not only be completely unfamiliar to her, but also empty without me there with her. On my end of the equation, I found myself having to pick up the slack and figure out more things on my own because my mom wasn’t right there to help me. This doesn’t mean she completely dropped out of my life; it was simply more difficult to work on college and scholarship applications when it was all up to me and I didn’t have her to get on my case and make sure they got done.

            Although this living condition wasn’t ideal for either of us, I’m glad I was able to learn how to take more responsibility in my life because of it. For my mom, it was a fantastic way to learn how to let go and push me to be more accountable for my own finances and emergencies; for me, the pressure I felt at being expected to figure things out gave me incentive to rely on myself just in case nobody was around to help me, but that was countered by the fact that I still had my mom to bounce ideas off of and to be my safety net if I needed help. A really great example of this is the car fiasco I dealt with at the start of last spring semester. I had a flat tire and thought, ‘no big deal, I’ll just ask a friend to teach me how to change a tire.’ That tire WOULD NOT come off though, even with the WD-40 I bent over backward to find someone to borrow from. I was calling my mom to give her updates and solicit advice throughout this entire process, but it was up to me to call the insurance company, figure out what I had to do, find a trustworthy mechanic, and have my car towed. You never know what you’re capable of accomplishing if you suddenly have no choice. L 

           As much fun as this particular adventure wasn’t, I sure as heck knew exactly what to do the next time my car started acting up. As difficult as it probably is for some parents to resist being helicopter parents and as stressed out as their kids might be at suddenly having to figure things out for themselves, the launching children phase of family cycles doesn’t have to be catastrophically abrupt or traumatic. Although I didn’t find any suggestions from Wood in our textbook for how to navigate this stage more effectively, I learned at least one trick I think could apply to many diverse forms of family. If you take smaller, gradual steps such as the ones my mom and I took when we made my transition into college (we couldn’t really help the ‘living in different houses situation), both parents and their adult children who are leaving the house to be independent can breathe more easily.

Works Cited

Wood, J. T. (2012). Interpersonal communication: Everyday encounters. (7 ed.). Boston, MA:       Wadsworth.

Cab 5- Respect and consideration

CAB 5- Respect and consideration

In chapter 12, Wood gives guidelines for effective communication in families.  The guideline that caught my eye was “Show respect and consideration.”  Wood (2012) states, “For families to remain healthy and satisfying, family members need to demonstrate continuously that they value and respect each other” (p. 318).  Wood is not talking about a super out-there theory about intricate family interactions or complex behavioral theories; she is merely saying that you should be nice to the members of your family, and that many conflicts could be avoided by treating each other with more respect and courtesy.

This seems like common sense, but as I was reading I started thinking of times when I seemed to respect others more than my family, specifically with how I have treated my parents.  I remember many days when I would come home exhausted from practice or work, and I would snap at my parents or be short or irritable with them, even though I was equally as stressed at school and was polite and respectful to teachers and coaches.  I had many teenager moments where I would start arguments with my parents and not understand why they were on my case so badly.  Being the oldest child, I did the same thing with my brother and sisters too. It was probably even harder on them since they did not feel that they had the authority to argue with me like my parents did.

After taking a break from living with my family and going to college, I have a new perspective when I go home and visit.  I really miss my family, and it seems easier for me to treat everyone kindly.  I also notice more ways that my siblings are rude to my parents and to each other, and how they sometimes start fights over really minute things.  I believe what Wood says, and I think that if everyone in my family treated each other a little nicer, they would not act so defensive at times, and a lot of conflicts would be avoided.  I also believe that this behavior is just part of growing up, and as in my case, it can be outgrown as we mature. 

References

Wood, J.T. (2012). Interpersonal communication: Everyday encounters (7^th ed). Boston, MA:

           Wadsworth.