Cohabitation
by Hana Mustafa
Cohabitation is a topic that I’ve thought
about in some shape or form. Cohabitation is a label that tends to pertain to
couples who live together but aren’t married. It can be for heterosexual or gay
and lesbian couples. According to Wood couples choose this option rather than
traditional marriage for a number of reasons: trial marriage, permanent
alternative and legal reasons (Wood, 2013, p. 305) .
The closest situation I’ve had to cohabitation is with my
ex Sebastian. When I was pregnant he came up from Texas to be with me during
the last few months before the birth of our son. Keeping in mind that I had
pregnancy hormones influencing me a bit I was thrilled to have him there for
the first few weeks because it had been 4 or 5 months since I’d seen him last.
But that honeymoon period didn’t last long. In our relationship he was all
about autonomy to the point of making me neurotic waiting for him to come home,
which in the past he sometimes wouldn’t at all, and I was looking for
connection. Cohabitation brought out the tension of this relational dialectic
to the point that it showed us we weren’t right for each other.
I
personally think that the practice of cohabitation is a brilliant idea. I
honestly think that one of the reasons that so many marriages fail is that some
couples don’t realize that living together adds a whole new level of really
knowing someone. This is a good theory for testing the strength of a
relationship because in my case without it the drama could’ve been dragged out
for much longer than it had to. I honestly think that in the future I will do
cohabitation before I marry anyone to see if our relationship can withstand the
normal tension from relational dialectics.
References
Wood, J. T. (2013). Interpersonal
Communication:Everyday Encounters. Boston, MA: Wadsworth.
Thanks sharing your experience about semi-cohabitating. I do not have all that many friends who live with their significant other, so I don't hear many stories of cohabitation going good or bad. It definitely sounds like it was good that you tried living with Sebastian before you married him.
ReplyDeleteI have had some friends though to try the cohabit thing and it did not work out for them either. You really get to know the person on a whole new level. When you get to the point of "knowing" what they are thinking it gets even more dangers. I had a buddy you thought he knew what his girlfriend was thinking all the time. Turned out he did not have a clue. Their relationship did not last much longer after moving in together. Just not compatible people.
ReplyDeleteI, too, have heard horror stories of moving in while a couple is engaged. I think that it is beneficial for that couple to live together before marriage because living in the same household will play a big role in your life. On the flip side, both of my sisters lived with their then boyfriends before they got married and they have had successful marriages thus far. I plan on moving in with my boyfriend so I am praying we will be able to work out our differences before being married so that everything is smooth after we are married.
ReplyDeleteI agree with previous comments. I think there is much to be gained impersonally from cohabitation, but it is fraught with some pretty major tensions that you much work to navigate as a dyad. Thanks for sharing your perspective on this!
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