CAB#4 Deterioration

Deterioration

By Hana Mustafa

 This chapter Deterioration is the topic that jumped out at me.  The deterioration process is made up of five-stages: Intrapsychic processes, dyadic processes, social support, grave-dressing processes, and resurrection processes (Wood, 2013, p. 285).   Intrapsychic processes when either one or both partners start to feel dissatisfied with the relationship to the point that the problems along the way are all they see. Dyadic processes are the disintegration of the relational culture and social support is looking to family and friends to agree with your decision. Finally the grave-dressing processes  is the ending of the relationship  and reflecting on it, then the resurrection processes  is when the partners move on as individuals.

            When I think about the whole deterioration process the clearest example that comes to mind is my most recent serious relationship with my ex Aaron. I was pretty happy when we first started dating because he’s a really sweet guy and I thought that would be perfect for me at this point in my life, plus I had I crush on him back in high school so it was a long time coming. But the more time we spent together the more things I started to notice made us incompatible like our taste in TV shows, him having no real life goals and the only thing he was passionate about was playing poker.  After realizing this I started distancing myself from him until continuing the relationship just didn’t feel right. I assumed he would get that I was into us anymore and he assumed things were fine but we both ended up being wrong. 

            This theory that Wood talks about is very prevalent in this particular situation. I ended up discovering that Aaron and I weren’t intellectually compatible and now I understand that can be an important part of a strong relationship, at least for me. So now it is obvious that I started the deterioration processes down to every step. In the future though when I doubt a relationship I’ll try to use the dyadic processes to openly discuss our issues.  

References

Wood, J. T. (2013). Interpersonal Communication:Everyday Encounters. Boston, MA: Wadsworth.

Ch. 11 Engaging in dual perspective in romantic relationships

            Earlier in chapter 10, Wood discussed the idea of engaging in dual perspective to maintain friendships. Now in chapter 11, she brings back the tactic as important to maintaining romantic relationships as well. Engaging in dual perspective “involves taking into account the other person’s feelings as well as our own when interacting” (Wood, 2012). It allows us to get to know the other person better to help us when communicating with them.

            This year, I saw an example of not engaging in dual perspective between two of my friends that had begun to hook up. While they had already gotten to know each other well over the years as friends, when they became romantically involved things began to change. They guy involved in the relationship was my roommate, and my other roommates and I could tell that the relationship wasn’t going anywhere beyond hooking up, or so we thought. The girl in the relationship who was our good friend thought the relationship was more serious than my roommate did, and my roommate did a bad job communicating to her that he thought different. Instead of engaging in dual perspective and seeing her point of view, he kind of led her on and resumed hooking up with her. When he finally decided he should tell her his true feelings, the relationship ended in some drama while the two were intoxicated downtown. Luckily, they got over it and have become good friends again.

            Although my roommate didn’t view the relationship the same way as the girl did, if he would have engaged in dual perspective and thought about her feelings, he wouldn’t have hurt her the way he did by continuing the relationship without being committed. He could have asked her what she thought about the situation and could have communicated to her that he felt different than she did. Instead, the relationship ended in a bad way at first as she felt like she had been used. I am glad that everything is now back to normal and that they remain friends.

References:
Wood, Julia T. (2012). Interpersonal communication: Everyday encounters. Boston, MA: Wadsworth.

Chapter 11

Adapting Communication to Maintain Long-
Distance Relationships

By Megan Goeden

     In chapter 11 we learn about the three problems commonly found in long-distance relationships. I'll go over these obstacles and how we may overcome them. Then I'll relate a few personal situations to the topic, and finally, I'll share some insight that I've gained from learning about these problems with long-term relationships. 

     The first of our obstacles that is faced in a long-term relationship is the lack of sharing every-day events and happenings. These conversations are what weave our lives together, and without them we may lose touch or a sense of closeness in the relationship. Technology has played a large factor today in allowing relationships to connect more conveniently. Take a look at the video for a little laugh. :)
  
Technology in Long-Distance Relationships 

     Our second problem faced in long-distance relationship is an unrealistic expectation of time together. Many people feel that they must savor every moment shared as they only get so much time together, in doing so, they may have unrealistic expectations for that time and be let down or disappointed with the outcome. Couples may also find themselves in trouble with their need for autonomy and novelty. When living in a long-distance relationship, the couple may grow in their own routines and enjoy their independence and individuality. Once they are united and finally share their lives together, there is a decent chance that these adjustments will have a negative impact on each individual's sense of autonomy. 

     The third most common problem shared by couples in long-distance relationships includes an unequal effort invested by the partners. One partner may feel like they are unfairly putting for the majority of the effort needed to keep the relationship alive, and the other partner may in-turn feel guilty because of this or become bored of the relationship.

     Personally, as a college student, I have not experienced a long-distance relationship as I have somewhat refused to take part in one. I've been against the idea for a few key reasons: One, I haven't met someone that I felt I needed to be with strongly enough to work at it from a distance. Two, I feel like these years are the ones that I want to be single and without commitment for the sake of simplicity and fulfillment! And three, if someone is living a distance away, I figure that if it is supposed to work out, we'll make something happen so that we aren't living at a distance, and until then, I'm happy being single. 

      I have gained a little insight on the situation from the reading in chapter 11. Sometimes I forget how many people actually attempt long-distance relationships and how many of them are actually successful. I honestly respect those that make it work because they must have a true love that they are obviously independent enough from to enjoy their life elsewhere as the situation calls them to do. I feel like those people are very committed and patient which happen to be great qualities for any relationship!

"Distance means so little when someone means so much."

Sources:

Wood, J.T. (2012). Interpersonal communication: Everyday encounters (7^th ed). Boston, MA:

           Wadsworth.

      

Long Distance Relationships

             Distance can either bring people closer together or drive them apart. Both has happened to me. Woods describes three problems with long distance relationships: lack of daily sharing of small events, unrealistic expectations about time together, and unequal effort investing in the relationship. I could not agree more with these issues. Being in the military and shipped away can put stressors on the relationship not only creating the distance between two people.

            While I was in Afghanistan I was able to talk to my now wife more than I could talk to my ex Iraq. We used Skype, email, and telephone in the stan (Afghanistan). Iraq did not have those luxuries. There was a huge time difference between the two deployments. Iraq was 22 months and Stan was 12 months. My wife and I found new ways to connect with each other using Skype when we could. Tried to keep the passion and intimacy up while being so far away is very difficult, but we did our best. Not being able to tell her about everything that I was doing there, security reasons, was taxing. I could not share daily activities, so I spent a lot of my time listening to her. I cannot say we became closer over the year but we did learn how to talk to each other effectively. Which helped when I came home.

            Reading the section made me think about my first relationship over seas. How it did not work. We would not talk to often and when we did it was me complaining about things going on and her telling me about the parties she was going to. Neither one of us were very up front about what we were doing to each other. She became more worried about me and I worried more about her cheating. Looking at the chapter, if couples are aware of the problems they will have to face with a long distance relationship, they have a better chance of working through the problems. 

Reference:

Wood, J. T. (2012). Interpersonal communication: Everyday encounters (7^th ed.). Independence, KY: Wadsworth. 

cab 4- Maintaining long-distance relationships

Chapter 11- Maintaining long-distance relationships

            One of the four guidelines given by Wood for communicating in romantic relationships is adapting communication to maintain long-distance relationships.  According to Wood (2012), there are three problems that generally strain long-distance relationships.  The first cause of tension is the inability to discuss daily events. Sharing small details about each other’s day makes each partner feel like they are a part of the other’s life.  Without knowing what the other person is doing, a partner could feel distant or lonely.  The second problem that often arises in these relationships is unrealistic expectations of time together.  Sometimes partners feel like they have to take advantage of every moment they are together because they do not see each other often.  The final and, in my opinion, most detrimental cause of tension in a long-distance relationship is having an unequal distribution of effort in the relationship.  This occurs when one person has to put extra effort into a relationship just to keep it going.

            I broke up with my high school girlfriend after experiencing these long-distance relationship problems, and I am surprised how spot-on Wood’s statements are on.  I was set on coming to Lincoln for college, but that meant I would be almost 7 hours away from my hometown and my girlfriend.  We experienced all three of the problems Woods discussed.  It was really hard to talk on the phone and tell each other about our days because I was so busy.  I had 17 credit hours of classes, hockey practice, and poor time management skills just like many other college freshmen.  When I did make it home, she wanted to be with me constantly. I loved seeing her but I also wanted to spend time with friends that I rarely saw and did not call frequently, as well as my family.  As for unequal effort, that was our biggest problem.  I felt like I had to do everything and go out of my way to make things work because I was the one that left.  When I learned that she was not willing to come visit me, even if she could stay with my relatives and we could see a football game, I realized that our long-distance relationship would not work.  I needed more support and effort from her to enjoy our relationship and my college experience.

            Our breakup was for the best, and I am a lot happier and less stressed now that I’m not in a relationship.  However, things could have gone differently if we could have identified these problems and communicated about them better.  She could have understood that me being busy and not calling every day does not mean that I do not care about her.  I don’t blame her for wanting to see me when I was home, but I wish she could have taken a dual perspective a little more often.  I also believe it was not fair that I had to work so hard to keep us together, and that she could have put more effort into seeing me.  On my part, I could have found 5 minutes to call her just a little bit and could have taken a dual perspective in how powerless that she may have felt that I was leaving.  It was definitely a learning experience, and I am confident that I will be much better at communicating in any relationships to come.  

References

Wood, J.T. (2012). Interpersonal communication: Everyday encounters (7^th ed). Boston, MA:

           Wadsworth.

Chapter 11 Navigation

I found the section on navigation most interesting and relevant to me within Chapter 11. Navigation is the ongoing process of staying committed and living a life together despite ups and downs, and pleasant and unpleasant surprises (Wood 2012, p. 283).  All long-term relationships have navigation among them, including those relationships with your parents, siblings, co-workers, romantic partner, you may even include your pet in the list. I am going to focus on the context of navigation to a romantic partner and the rules and rituals that are performed in relational culture.

                                            

Couples develop rules about communication. The rules in my relationship with my boyfriend are usually unspoken. For example, whoever wakes up first generally gives the other a call or text and the same goes with saying good night in the evening. There are also rules within holidays. Because my family is not big on holidays besides Christmas, he knows that I will attend all of his family holiday functions. At the family gathering, there are undisclosed rules within how we interact and whom we speak with and the topics of communication. Most often, we sit next to each other and discuss our lives of school, work, and extra-curricular activities.

Navigation also puts an emphasis on everyday interaction. This is important as an interpersonal level and is often overlooked until you are not together everyday. I am currently going through this with my boyfriend. He is gone for 4 weeks for a military training course. We have absolutely no communication while he is away. I did not realize just how much we shared the little things within everyday interaction. Even if it is sharing small talk and the details throughout my day, that is now missing. Fortunately my best friend has stepped in and communicates with me frequently so I am thankful for my outside social support.

                                               

I have gained much insight within the knowledge of navigation. Of course the overall goal involves keeping the intimacy healthy and talking out any issues that arise. Throughout the navigation in the relationship, partners will continually experience tension (Wood 2012, p. 283).  To make a relationship satisfying each partner needs to agree on how to deal with the tension. Though that is easier said than done, I feel like my boyfriend and I have formed a way of talking through the tension so that we at least end up on the same page if not being able to agree on a solution. It is difficult for me to work on the navigation process while he is away at training. The training will be a continuous cycle throughout the following years so I just need to adapt my lifestyle into his military lifestyle and talk through any other problems that would arise.

Reference

Wood, J. T. (2010). Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters (7th ed.). Boston, MA: Wadsworth.

Chapt. 11 Navigation

Navigation Examples

By Hana Mustafa

[This clip that I am showing from the show, “How I Met Your Mother,” is from Season 2 Episode 5 at 19:06]

            This clip from HIMYM shows an example of placemaking. Placemaking happens in the process of navigating a relationship and is generally defined as the process of personalizing an environment in ways that makes both partners in the relationship comfortable. In this particular episode Lily has problems with the new apartment that she moved into so she has to find somewhere else to stay . She ends up begging her friend Barney to let her crash at his bachelor pad and he reluctantly agrees. One of the effects of having Lily stay there is that Barney’s one night stands are scared away because they think he’s married so he decides to embrace it and gives Lily free liberty to make the place more homey. They then end up relaxing together in the comfortable space Lily made for both of them demonstrating placemaking although not in the traditional sense.

[This clip is also from the show, “How I Met Your Mother,” is from Season 1 Episode 8 at the beginning of the episode]

            This clip from HIMYM shows an example of relational culture which is according to Wood “…a private world of rules, understandings, meanings, and patterns of acting and interpreting that partners create for their relationship (Wood, 2013, p. 283). This episode starts with a display of  Lily and Marshall’s relationship by showing their tradition of whenever one of them goes on a trip they bring back beer from that place and the remaining partner in turn is always there with their name on a sign to greet them. This demonstrates a ritual that they as a couple have developed and therefore an unspoken rule for their private world.

References

Wood, J. T. (2013). Interpersonal Communication:Everyday Encounters. Boston, MA: Wadsworth.

http://www.free-tv-video-online.me/player/novamov.php?id=6q733z2jvggf6

http://www.free-tv-video-online.me/player/gorillavid.php?id=6hngiqgw2t8w

Media Illustration - Growth in Romantic Relationships

For my presentation I will be talking about the growth in romantic relationships and what shapes them. Wood gives us six stages of growth in romantic relationships. The first is individuality, which are the particular needs, goals, love styles, perceptual tendencies, and qualities that affect who we want to be in a relationship with.
The next stage is invitational communication. This is the initial interaction that can spark a relationship. "Hi, what's your name?" would be an example of this, or "Where are you from?". Initial interaction is influenced by self-concept, proximity, and similarity. I have a media example of Joey from Friends, and his trademark opening line, "How you doin?": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43wkqM27z2E. This line always works for Joey to get the girl and spark romance. 
The third stage in growth of a romantic relationship is explorational communican, and it involves the exchanging of information. This is when people find out more about the other person's interests and wants. After that comes the next stage, intensifying communication. This is usually when people fall in love and euphoria is experienced with the other person. The relationship becomes exclusive and partners take on dual perspective. They now recognize that they are a couple. 
Another stage that doesn't always happen in relationships is revising communication. Although it doesn't always occur, it is important when it does. The relationship is looked at more realistically and is evaluated. Problems are recognized and partners decide if they want to work through them and continue the relationship or end it.
The final stage is commitment, or the decision to stay in the relationship. Other aspects of life start to get arranged around the relationship, and partners invest more into it to maintain satisfaction.
I had to bring in another clip from Friends because Ross and Rachel's relationship is a perfect representation of growth that occurs in romantic relationships: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43wkqM27z2E

References:
Wood, Julia T. (2012). Interpersonal communication: Everyday encounters. Boston, MA: Wadsworth Cengage Learning.

CAB #4- Sometimes Practicality is Overrated

Sometimes Practicality is Overrated

            Normally I’m a very logical, cautious, and practical person. I don’t necessarily ruminate over every single detail in every situation I find myself in, but I like to consider all the angles before I make any decisions. After I’ve done that I choose whatever option makes the most sense to me, and I only rarely ever deviate from this path. Not surprisingly, I identify strongly with our textbook’s definition of the secondary, practical style of love called ‘pragma,’ in which “lovers have clear criteria for partners… aren’t necessarily unfeeling or unloving… Practical considerations are the foundation of enduring commitment, so these must be satisfied before they allow themselves to fall in love” (Wood, 2012, p. 277). Things like distance, religious affiliation, career path, family and personal backgrounds, and in my case height differences matter here. If something doesn’t compute, things just might not work out. I don’t think I’ve ever sat down and made a list of qualities and characteristics that absolutely must be present in order for me to fall in love with someone; even though the following list isn’t mine, however, there are a few lines included in it that match up with items on my ‘shopping list’ for a partner (in this case romantic).

            I was already trying to find things out about my boyfriend before I’d actually met him, subconsciously comparing attributes I saw in him to my unwritten list of must-haves to see how everything stacked up. The first thing I noticed about him was the enormous height disparity between us. Chaise is 6’7”, and I’m 5’6”. The pragmatic in me was gently telling me that element would be too awkward to navigate successfully, but let me proceed with caution. Although I hated myself for doing it, one of the first places I turned for more information about him was Facebook. After discovering he doesn’t have a profile, I turned to other alleys to gain some knowledge. As a Neihardt RA, I had access to a roster of the building; because Chaise lived in Neihardt, I decided to look him up. I promise I’m not a stalker; I’m just trying to demonstrate my need to gather the facts before I make any decisions. J I only got as far as seeing his name and hometown (which I could have gotten from looking at his door dec) before I realized how creeptastic I was being and immediately closed the roster window. I simultaneously noted that he’s from Minnesota and reflected on the fact that there were only three weeks left in the semester.

            This was the point when my pragmatic side began shouting at me that this whole situation might not be a good idea. I had a few choices to make and tons of questions boomeranging around my head. Was the height difference just too much? Would I look comically short and breakable next to him? WHY IS HE FROM MINNESOTA?! I knew this summer would become exponentially more difficult to get through if I started getting attached at that point. He was too far away; there’d be no way we’d both invest the time and effort to stay in contact over that span of distance and time. It just didn’t make sense, and the more practical thing to do would have been to let it go. Did I do that?

            Of course not J Through hand-written letters, texting, and Skype (which is an absolute God-send), Chaise and I have done a fantastic job this summer putting in equal amounts of effort to stay connected. Sometimes we’ll call each other on the way to work or classes and talk for just a few minutes to share trivial, day-to-day events and interactions we’ve had with other people. I’ll get to drive up to Minnesota in a week and a half to hang out with him and meet his family (every member of which towers over me… that’s not intimidating at all!). I’ve never been so happy at the prospect of driving for six hours straight in my life.

Works Cited

Wood, J. T. (2012). Interpersonal communication: Everyday encounters. (7 ed.). Boston, MA:       Wadsworth.

Committed Romantic Relationships: Long Distance Relationships

Relationships have so many different aspects that affect them; it is balancing act to ensure the relationship remains healthy.  Along with balancing the rest of your life, let’s put a great distance between your significant other and yourself and watch more difficulties arise. Wood (2012) describes in our textbook three of the greatest problems that arise with long distance; lack of daily sharing of small events, unrealistic expectations about time together, and unequal effort invested by partners.  These problems do not ruin the relationship for all couples, as many have made it work. Technology has helped overcome some of these issues by allowing people to engage over long distances by using cell phones, Facebook, and video chat.

One of my past relationships was long distance, I was in Lincoln, NE and he was in Montrose, CO so that was just a “short” 14 hours apart. It was an adjustment as we had just spent 5 weeks together on a mission trip and then we get back and are no longer with each other. We had begun to adjust to the long distance between us, even though Skype wouldn’t let us connect, when things began to change and not in a good way.  After a month, hearing from him became very infrequent and didn’t last long when it did occur.  We used to have really good communication and really enjoyed spending time together, now it was very little communication and no time together. This began to take a toll on me as I felt he was not putting any effort into the relationship. I talked to him about this and we decided it would be best for both of us if we were just friends. After reading the textbook I can see the unequal effort factor that Wood described as having a major role in our deterioration.

If I ever get into another long distance romantic relationship I want to remain aware that these three problems could arise as Wood talked about.   That way I will be able to bring up any of these topics if they start to show and the problem can end before it becomes a major issue. Being honest with communication will help solve the issue. As well as being able to recognize these, instead of ignoring them and pretending everything is ok, will be key factor of a future beneficial relationship.

Reference

Wood, J. T. (2010). Interpersonal communication: Everyday encounters. (7th ed., p. 291-

            292). Boston, MA: Wadsworth, Cengage Learning.