CAB #5 - Encouraging Independence

Encouraging Independence 

Adolescence is typically a time where the child is trying to discover their own identity. In this stage, children show greater disinterest in spending time with their parents and the rest of the family (Wood, p. 312). Obviously, this can lead to some conflict between the parents and the child. How these disagreements are handled may either alleviate stress within the relationship or just make it stronger. 

Whenever I think of this stage, I'm reminded about how different it was for me as compared to when my older brother and sister went through it. Throughout high school, my parents and I never really got into any real conflicts. I didn't have a curfew nor did either parent “check in” on me whenever I was out with friends. Whenever I went out, I always hung out with the same group of guys and we always stayed out of trouble. About the closest thing to conflict that we had was when I broke it to my dad that I wasn't going to take over the family farm. For years that didn't sit too well with him, but he's accepting of it now.

In contrast, my siblings and my parents had their fair share of arguments during this stage. For example, my brother had quite a few girlfriends in high school (which was something my mom really wasn't too happy about). I remember my parents being upset when, shortly after entering college, he broke up with his girlfriend at the time. In their eyes, the relationship was going perfectly, but obviously there were some underlying tensions within the relationship that my parents didn't know about.

Out of us three children, my sister was the one who had the most intense arguments with my parents. They didn't approve of some of her friends, and rather than talking it out with them, she shut them out and rebelled. As a result, she had a 10:30 P.M. curfew and my parents would call her a couple times throughout the night whenever she was out.

The interesting thing is that though all three of us grew up in the same house, our living situations were quite different. My parents split when I was in seventh grade. At this time, my brother was already in college and my sister was in the middle of high school. My sister had to deal with a drastic change in this period, which may have played a part in the tensions between her and my parents.

The funny part is that as of today, my sister has the closest relationship with our parents. After she left the household, she learned that my parents were truly cared about who she hung out rather than her initial thought they were simply trying to make her angry. Looking back on my adolescence, I personally feel that some conflict is vital to the parent-child relationship. I usually talk to my parents on the phone about once every couple weeks. The conversation is almost business-like and we're always done within 15-20 minutes. Compare that to my brother who calls my mom every day to check up on his son and my sister who talks to my dad for over an hour whenever he calls. When my future children reach adolescence, I'll be sure to actively engage with my children to see what they are up to and listen to their side(s) to a particular story. Hopefully in doing so, this will encourage the child to be self-sufficient and make their own decisions, but at the same time create a strong bond between us that lasts well into their adulthood.

References 

Wood, J. T. (2012). Interpersonal communication: Everyday encounters (7th ed.). Boston, MA: Wadsworth