When people think of intimate relationships many times the
things that come to mind are going out on dates, the man picking up the woman
to take her out, getting dressed up, going to dinner etc. etc.. But what many
people don’t take into consideration is that there are a large portion of
couples out there who work their way through long distance relationships and whatever
it takes to make them work. Wood (2012) talks about three main issues that often
occur in the confines of a long distance relationship. They include the lack of
sharing small events, unrealistic expectations of time spent together, and unequal
effort invested between the two partners. Each of these can cause unique complications
in a relationship but can easily be dealt with through communication.
I can
personally attest to all three of these issues in my life. When I chose to
leave Omaha and come to Lincoln to pursue my football and academic career it
put a great strain on what I thought was a very stable and amazing relationship
with my girlfriend. In the first two
years in our relationship we went to the same high school, had many of the same
friends, and took part in the same sports, clubs, and many other things as
well. We were inseparable and it was hard to imagine being away from her, even
it was only a 45 minute drive. The first
month or so was definitely the hardest. Not being able to hang out anytime we
wanted, being restricted to texting and calling in-between classes or practice.
If there ever was a hell I thought this was it.
Just like Wood talks about we went through the unrealistic expectations
problem as well. The few times she could come and see me on the weekends, or
come down for dinner on a Wednesday night would turn into arguments, bickering,
and eventually a full-fledged fight. It was so depressing that the little time
we did get together was crappy. I can
also remember times when I know I didn’t give near as much effort as my girlfriend
was. She would call and want to talk and talk and I would give one word answers
and attitude just because of the distance. As time went on things seemed to get better and
better but even now, after almost a full 4 years of the long distance dating
the problems still come up.
Taking into consideration what I have learned through Wood’s
text there are multiple things that we can continue to do to better our
situation as a long distance couple. If I had to choose one to focus on one
thing to work on it would be to recognize and work on balancing out our
relational dialectics. To balance out autonomy/connection would be an easy one,
and something that we somewhat do already. We get a great sense of autonomy when
we are apart, but maybe we can do things to better our sense of connection
while apart. In terms of novelty/predictability we can try and do new things.
Turning 21 has helped with this, opening up the bar scene, casinos, etc. for us.
This sense of novelty has balanced out the predictability of her coming down,
us having dinner, and the same old routine. In terms of openness/closedness the
long distance thing has worked in our favor as well. Being restricted to
calling and texting makes being open a lot easier. If we don’t tell each other
things we might as well not be together while it is balanced by the sense of
closedness when we are apart doing our own thing, and knowing what to disclose
and not disclose.
CJ, it's awesome to read how you and your girlfriend have dealt with the challenges presented by long distance and after time working them to your advantage. Especially the way you are embracing the autonomy and connection aspect. That is a great balance to have! It is a lot of work but when you are both willing to work on those areas it makes it worth it.
ReplyDeleteI really focused on what you said about calling and texting in relation to the openness/closedness dialectic, especially since you used the word 'restricted' in that sentence. I've always felt that openness can't be as good between any two people via texting or calling, and that's because there's simply no way to pick up on visual nonverbal cues. Now that I think about it, I suppose that having to specifically choose what to say in order to create that sense of openness between you and your girlfriend when you talk might be what you're referring to here. Is that what you meant?
ReplyDeleteCJ, it is great to have some insight from you on your own long-term relationship. With my boyfriend being away for training I have found it to be very difficult to deal with the lack of communication we have had when before it was consistent communication. I pray that we do not have the bickering you have experienced within your relationship, though I am happy that your girlfriend and you have been able to work through it. Do you have any advice on how to fix the bickering issues besides just talking through it?
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